I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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