that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
