good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
