So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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