I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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