Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
