I puked a lego.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
