i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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