So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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