just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
