new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
