I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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