Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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