On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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