If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
