Porn is love you can see.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
