The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
