Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just had sex bonerless
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
