I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
