the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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