im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
