Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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