You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
