Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
