I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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