Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
