i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just invented taco cereal.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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