I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
