She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
zippers are such a cool invention
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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