Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
