Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
