Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
