i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Randomize
