About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You can't just leave with hair like that
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
