At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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