I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
