So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
