I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
