How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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