This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
