Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
as a side note pls kill me
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
