It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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