hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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