I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i believe in u and ur pee
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
