Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
