i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
