I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
