Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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