the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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