You're earring is so big in my mouth
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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